Day 30-Your Reflection In the Mirror

'Every man dies, but not every man lives.'

Dear Me,

Hi. Take a look at you!! From where you were a few years ago, I hardly recognize you in a good way!! That scar on your left arm from that fateful night of Hair this summer. The wrinkles under your eyes from not getting enough sleep Freshman year. The laugh lines you created when you were not getting enough sleep last year. The two rings on your fingers that remind you of two of the most important women in your life. The necklace that reminds you of a best friend and the other that reminds you of a loving grandmother. The deep breaths you take when you look in the mirror, thinking you're not ready for the day, but by God, you just gotta get out there anyway.

Take a look!! Look at where your life has gone! You've experienced so much. You've explored new cultures, new things, new countries...new CONTINENTS! I'm proud of you. I love that you're getting more confident. I know you're not quite there yet, but maybe someday you'll be able to look at yourself every day and believe that you are beautiful. But you're so close! I think that this year is going to be hard for you, as it's already proven itself slightly trying. Starting the semester by leaving a new family this summer was pretty tough. Not being near your friends this semester is killer, but you're getting through! Just remember that you're making new memories, experiencing new stories that you'll get to tell them, but you just have to live!!

I think that's what you're doing now, and I'm so proud of you for simply living. Live with peace, and live with love. Work with joy and love without conditions. And only then will you find happiness. You'll find it in your work, your loves, your friends, your hobbies, the sunshine, the cold, the hot, the grass, the mountains. You will find life and love in all of these things.

I know it's hard, but stop worrying. Don't worry about what you're going to do next semester. Work on it, but don't worry about it. Stop worrying about your friend and your family. Worry doesn't DO anything. It's all for naught because fate will have it's way--the world will still turn and you can't do anything about it, so for the benefit of all those around you, just LOVE with your whole heart. Pray for peace and understanding in the world--not just for yourself, but for those around you and pray for happiness and love on the earth.

Love,

Ashley

Day 29-Someone You Want To Tell Everything To, But Are Too Afraid

So, I hate to cop out on the next to last letter...but there's no one that I want to tell everything to but am too afraid to do so...And let's be honest...if there was, I wouldn't do it on the World Wide Web. So there. =)

Love,

Ashley

Day 28-Someone Who Changed Your Life

Dear Angela,

How could I ever have imagined, Freshman year, when I first met you with the most basic of "Hi! I'm Ashley. How are you?" that that was the beginning of an amazingly spectacular friendship? Put quite simply, you're everything to me!! You're my drinkin buddy, my party buddy, my late-night chat friend, my listener, my common sense, my moral compass (sometimes), my conscience (every so often), my encourager, my Scrubs/Grey's/Big Bang/Castle/White Collar watching partner, my inside joke vault, and a well of unending laughter and always--the promise of a good time filled with crazy shenanigans.

I remember filling out our Roommate Contract Freshman Year. We joke about it now every chance we get--How housing must not have looked at our housing surveys at all, because we were almost polar opposites--we still are, but we've learned to compromise, at least! You like to stay up late, I'd rather get up early. You like studying with music and I need quiet. I like country music and you like...everything but. After all the horror stories we heard about 2 SMs living together, I was wary...what if you started to hate me? What if I got on your nerves? Would we be able to live together peacefully? Would we be too competitive to coexist in the same 12 square feet of space provided to us by Webster? I didn't know the answer to any of these things. But we love theatre. And we love having fun. And that's what I've spent the last two years of my life doing with you and I wouldn't trade a second.

You've taught me about how to live life by just living it yourself. We've explored together and cried and laughed and bitched together. You're always the person I go to when I can't handle my life, because you'll always put it in perspective for me. You have always encouraged me and always know the right things to say when I'm fed up with the world. I know you've been through some stuff, but you're strong. You're a strong person and a kick ass Stage Manager. You know how to handle high stress situations both in life and in professionalism.

I love talking to you about anything--everything. At the beginning of the year Freshman Year, I was sure we'd be tired of each other by the end, but I was ready for more! "Let's live together again!", we decided. East Hall turned out to be a winner. We had a great time and an amazing year full of drunk, sober, and everywhere in between nights that turned out to be some of my favorite memories. Thank you for everything. It's never an effort to be with you--I can always be myself and for that I thank you and love you.

Traveling Europe with you has been such an amazing adventure--and it's not even halfway done!! I couldn't pick anyone else that I'd want to travel with as much as I love traveling with you. We've learned so much and I love 'pretending' to be a real student with you. I love going random places with you and not having plans. I love planning our lives after college and I love everything about our lives right now. I'm sorry this letter is not more articulate, but I feel like I always tell you everything and you know pretty much everything about me.

Next semester will be the first time in 28 Months that we will most likely not see each other for a solid 4 months. I am going to miss you so much, but I know you will have a great time at your internship and learn so much. I can't wait to come back Senior Year and rock the shit out of WebCo with you. I love you so so much.

Love,

Ashley

Day 27-The Friendliest Person You Knew For Only a Day

Alright, a little back story on this one:: Zlatgo is the vendor down the street from our dorms here in Vienna that sells AMAZING food. It's so delicious!! Ang and I go there way too often, so I see him a lot, but only for about 10 minutes at a time. So here goes!

Dear Zlatgo,

Thank you for your delicious food! I feel like Ang and I eat at your stand too much because you not only know what our orders are, but when I order something different, you know what I want on it too!

I know your German isn't very good, but that's okay...mine isn't either!! Thanks for not getting annoyed when I try to speak really crappy German to you, and I think it's really great to play the "What's this called in your language" game!

You are always so kind and friendly, and I wish I could speak more fluent German so I could talk to you more and learn about you--you seem like a very interesting person who has seen a lot of life and a lot of world. Good luck in your business and in life and thank you for (almost) always being open whenever Ang and I need some lunch or dinner!!

Love,

Ashley

Day 26-The Last Person You Made a Pinky Promise To

Dear MA,

I'm pretty sure we pinky promised that night at The Cornfields. If we didn't, then I did it in my head...and I'm going to write to you all anyway.

Solidarity.

We had a great plan. =) Props, kids, we did it!!

Those were some crazy times. Not only that week, but the entire summer. You guys made my summer. Period. End of discussion. If I had not had the three of you to fall back on and bitch to and party with, the summer would not have been the same.

Ryan, I'm glad we got to be closer over the summer. Last year, I missed what we had Freshman Year (follow that? yikes). You are so very talented at what you do and an amazing person to work with. I hope I get to work with you again in Conservatory, because I absolutely loved it this summer. Thanks for all the heart to hearts and gossips and drinking and...such. Zach trained you well (kidding). We had some crazy times and I hope that when I get back to Webster we will have even more ridiculous shenanigans. On the down side, I miss you even more while I'm here. You're going to have a great time here in Vienna--you'll love every day and I just know it! A very selfish part of me wishes you were here with me now, and not at Webster designing and being fantastical and rocking Conservatory. Love you mean it!

Doc, my life without you=less awesome. Your crazytalk got me through some days and you never failed to brighten my day. I'm sorry I killed you in round 3...it was just too easy, darling. Thank you for this summer--the trips to St. Louis and Decatur and Mattoon and everything in between. Sullivan was an amazing little town with you in it because there was almost never 'nothing to do'. You're passionate about theatre and the work that you do there, and I think you're an amazing electrician or designer or stage manager or whatever you want to be because you can rock whatever the hell you decide. Love you mean it!

Jane, you already got a letter, but I'll go head and say it: I love the hell out of you and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. PS--Sorry I killed you. Love you mean it!

So, with all my love, I wish you all the best in your endeavors this year. I hope very very much that MA will be reunited next summer, because I think it's a beautiful thing to be able to love your work and love the people you do it with.

Love,

Ashley

Day 25-The Person Going Through The Worst of Times

Love,

Ashley

Day 24-The Person Who Gave You Your Favorite Memory

Dear ZachCook,

I can't pinpoint a favorite memory, to be honest, but I can say that 86% of my favorite moments in college include you in some way. Being with you is so effortless and comfortable, and I'm so glad that you're in my life!

I guess I can start with the drinking in Maria freshman year. I have vivid memories of sitting in your room with Ryan and Sam and drinking the night away to gossip, bitching, and country songs that made Ryan angry. I remember a couple particular nights-one night after Opera rehearsal you convinced me to come over for 'one drink', which usually entailed Ryan and I either napping in your room till 5am or walking home in the cold at 1 or 2am. Another time I absolutely cherish was doing line notes. You all fell asleep after a few drinks, but I had line notes to finish and by God I did finish them...at 6am.

And can we talk about MidWest? I mean...really. The scavenger hunt for the signs freshman year, when we fell in love with the golf carts, was truly something special! Haha. Riding in a golf cart with you is simply exhilarating. Except for the time when you almost killed me...you turned the car so sharp I fell out of the side of the cart!! And it was raining! I'm so sad I'll be missing MidWest this year...for other reasons, but golf carting with you is definitely in the top 3.

I always have fun when you're around. I love being with you when we're sober and I miss our wasted heart to hearts. I love that we never have to fight about anything and I love that we love Texas so much. I love that you say Nevada right and I love that you'll stand up to Sam and her crazy Mac obsession with me. (love you, Sam!) I love that you will hate our art teacher with me and we can shoot staple guns at his stupid still-life-shit until it shatters to a million pieces (or until we get frustrated with the staple guns and chuck the damn thing at the ground).

So, my favorite memory with you? Hopefully still to come, because I feel like we haven't had enough time together...I mean you've only been in my life for 2 solid years--there's so much more to do and so much more trouble to get into. I can't wait to have you back in my life, because I miss you a lot: No one wants to listen to good music with me!

Love,

Ashley

Day 22-Someone You Want to Give a Second Chance To

Dear Beliefs,

I miss you a little. I miss believing in something with all of my being. Maybe one day I'll find some sort of spirituality, but if there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that I don't want a 'Religion'. I don't want the rituals and the rules and the belief that there is only one way to achieve enlightenment. I'm working on it, so just give me some time and some space and I will find something that works for me. Hope to meet with you soon!

"People follow different paths, straight or crooked, according to their temperament, depending on which way they consider best, or most appropriate--and all reach You, just as rivers enter the Ocean."

Love,

Ashley

Day 21-First Impression

Dear Zachary,

My first impression of you was not a bad one. If I'm going to be completely honest, (and I may as well be) I was immensely intimidated by you. 'Now there's a guy who knows what he wants' I thought to myself. Sure, you had closed yourself off to us a little with the whole "I'm a Transfer" vibe, but you were a strong person. I could tell. Your crazy hair kinda threw me for a loop. You were different...but I decided it was a good different. I didn't know if we'd be friends or not, or even if I'd like you. I didn't know if you would want to hang out with us 'young ones' or if you'd stay in your group. I did know that you seemed nice enough, so I just went with that. I knew that 4 years would either make or break us as a class and we'd roll with the punches as they came.

I'm still intimidated by you sometimes. Your ability to handle high stress situations and your ability to turn on and off the professionalism that charms so many people is utterly amazing. You're talented at so many things, and have a determination that I've always envied. You're so grounded in your beliefs and who you are as a person--another thing I'm envious of. You've taught me a lot-both in our profession and in life. And about alcohol. And I'm thankful for it all. My first impression of you was correct. You are a strong man who has immense determination and whose vision is very clear and attainable because...well...you're you!

I'm glad things changed and I'm glad that we got to be friends--because I consider you a very important and vital part of my life. I love and miss you here on the other side of the globe, but I know you're rocking Conservatory and showing the Freshmen what's up.

Peace & Love,

Ashley

Day 20-The One That Broke Your Heart

Dear Me,

You can only get your heart broken if someone has too much of it. The people to whom I've entrusted large pieces of my heart have kept it very safe as of yet. Thank you.

Love,

Ashley

Day 19-Someone Who Pesters Your Mind

Dear Katie,

You asked for a letter. Conveniently...I think about you a lot...and this is the letter I'm on!!

I'll start by saying I miss you. And I love you. Thank you for all the drives homes, the talks, and the late night truck rides to playgrounds. Thank you for all the tech days and the things you've taught me and the meaning of life discussions.

So here I am...halfway across the world...and there you are: Conservatory-ing it up...designing lights and sets and I feel like I'm missing a very important part of your life. And I'm even missing the non-important things. But I always think about you! When something funny happens, I want to tell you about it, or I want to give you 'the look' so you can roll your eyes with me at the two of them.

I want you to experience Europe with me! You'd love it here! The art and the history and the culture--I hope you're having a good time in Conservatory, but I also, selfishly, wish you were here. I need you to be my base of reason, my conscience, and I need to be able to give someone the judgement face with Ang. I need you to make bad decisions with me and laugh about it the entire time. I need you to cook good food and play monopoly and drink till we can't see straight.

I miss you so much, Katie. I'm so proud of all you've done...I feel like I've known you my whole life, when really I've known you for just at two years. You're one of my best friends and you are so incredibly talented and sweet. Your sass is an added bonus to the awesomeness that is you. You think you're not up to the challenge, but you always rise above and beyond whatever is expected of you, and I hope that one day you will see how truly talented you are and stop doubting yourself. Stop thinking you can't do things--because you've proven time and time again that you can do anything you set your mind to. Stop thinking your work isn't good enough--it's phenomenal. Keep yourself in check, but don't beat yourself up-you are a talented and amazing woman and I thank the "Fondue God" that we were "melted" together in the Class of 2012.

Love,

Ashley

Day 18-The Person You Wish You Could Be

Dear Self,

I have stared at this screen on and off for about 5 hours. Doing something, coming back. Uploading pictures, trying to decide what to write. And then it hit me.

I don't know who I want to be. And I think I've already covered this in my 'Dream Letter'. I don't want to be any one person--there's no one I envy or who I want to become. I want to be me...I'm just not exactly sure who that person is yet. And that's why I'm having trouble with this letter.

Love,

Ashley

Day 17-Someone From Your Childhood

Dear Collin,

Growing up with you was everything from a pain in the ass to the most wonderful thing. There was a point in our friendship when I considered you one of my best friends. I could tell you anything. We could talk forever about...life. And we did. I remember late night phone conversations with you for that lasted hours. I loved being with you and talking with you and having actual conversations. Your insight...even when we were young, has always astounded me.

Yes. Our friendship changed. But I want you to know that I love you and you are a very very special person to me. We know a lot about each other, and even though we hardly talk anymore, you still know me. You're a smart guy and I hope you get everything you want in life. Thank you for being the one I called when I was having a bad day, and thank you for cheering me up...Thank you for listening and your friendship and being a chapter of my life. I also want you to know that I so enjoyed talk to you the other day. It was such a pleasant surprise...I hope that happens again soon. I love you and wish you all the best in this life.

Love,

Ashley

Day 16-Someone That's Not in Your State/Country

Dear Jane,

You are a kick ass person. All around. As a person, as a stage manager, as a friend, as a party buddy. You just plain kick ass. You're a strong person, you have a compassion and a personality that is absolutely contagious. You know how to do your job and you're confident in your abilities.

This summer was a blast and it's still constantly on my mind. The fun and growing we did this summer was incomparable to anything I've ever experienced. Never before have I meshed with someone in a professional environment the way I did with you. The amount of hard work you put in this summer was absolutely astounding. And the best part? Even more than I liked working with you, I loved hanging out with you. Drinking and...other activities...at the cornfields or chillin on the deck at the Ritz or whatever the hell we decided to do...it was always a joy to be around you. I loved discussing the shows with you and getting deep about HAIR. I am so thankful to have shared that show with you. I am so glad that we could talk and discuss the show and what we thought it meant and be a part of that--together.

I wish with all my heart that when I go back to Webster Senior year that you would be there. I know that's not going to happen, but I still wish that it would.

You always knew what to say. You're a calm person and when I was having a shitty day (which, granted, were few and far between), you were always there to lend an ear and a witty comment to my bitchy statements. Thank you--for everything. I love you and I miss you and I know you're kicking ass and taking names at Milikin, but I wish it were at Webster.

Beads.Flowers.Freedom.Happiness.

Love,

Ashley

Day 15-The Person You Miss the Most

Dear Webster Family,

I miss you. I miss those I call my best friends. I miss those that I'm not close with and may only know by name. I miss those whose name I have yet to learn because they are the Class of 2014. I miss the camaraderie of the Conservatory that takes us through the year without (too many) mental breakdowns.

The spirit of the Conservatory has always inspired me. It has always reminded me why I do what I do and why I love my job. The passion I see each day is a reminder that there are happy people in the world and that not everyone hates their job. I watch the friendships grow and fall apart, I watch the drama unfold and I see the laughs, tears and everything in between--I'm a Stage Manager, after all...I pay attention.

Being half a world away is a strange sensation--one I've experienced before, but not on such a strong level. It is not something that comes in waves. It's constant. Is that a little dramatic? Maybe. It's not an ache that's in the forefront of my mind at every waking moment. It's a dull pain...like the few minutes after the first minute of jamming your finger. The pulsing, rhythmic, feeling when you can feel the blood running and pumping in your body. You're aware, but it doesn't hurt as much as it did a moment ago. It's that kind of ache.

Conservatory is my solid ground, my inspiration, my reason to get up and go another day and my confirmation and my encouragement. I miss Conservatory as a whole and I miss the individuals that make Conservatory what it is. I feel like I'm missing a lot--I'm having a bunch of new and amazing adventures here, but I'm also missing the crazy parties, cabarets, shows, and new people. And life goes on...which is the great thing. I'll come back in August next year and start my final year and live it up to be all that it can be, because my Conservatory family is going to be there--different and changed, but all still the same ole Webster. And I can't wait to see you all.

Love,

Ashley

Day 14-Someone You've Drifted Away From

Dear Heather,

You're a beautiful person. You're selfless and compassionate and fiery. You love the world around you, you love the people in it. We had the best of times and we shared blankets, late nights, hairbrushes, and our souls. You saw a part of me that not many saw.

I'm so sorry that you moved away--but that's selfish of me. Once you settled, you found yourself, you found a place that you belong. I was not as lucky, and I didn't even move 200 miles away. But you're strong and I love that about you. I miss you, so much! I miss our inside jokes and our talks and I'm sorry that I wasn't good about keeping in touch. We had a beautiful friendship, but I know that life takes its toll on anything, and that's what happened to us: life.

Well, I haven't heard your voice in over a year, but I love keeping up with you on Facebook and seeing you grow! I'll always cherish our crazy memories and the greatest gift of all: your love, support, and confidence. You are an amazing young woman and I wish you all the best that this world has to offer because you deserve it.

I coaster you,

Spork

Day 13-Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

Dear Taylor,

I don't know if it's even a matter of forgiving me anymore. We've grown apart, and I accept that. I don't like it, but it happened. But I do know that there was a specific point that ended the trust, the faith, in our friendship. I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most and all I can offer anymore is an apology and the lame but true excuse that I was young and sheltered. I'd be there for you now: If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't care what anyone said--you were my friend and I should have loved you no matter what. I'm sorry that I didn't see that and I'm sorry that our friendship came to an end because I was selfish and didn't know any better. I think of you often...even write on your Facebook wall sometimes, because I still care about you deeply. I know you've had a rough life, but it seems like you're in a good place now. I'd love to hear from you, if ever you feel like you need someone to listen.

Love,

Ashley

Day 12-The Person Who Caused You The Most Pain

Dear World,

I've let go.

Love,

Ashley

Day 11-A Deceased Person

Dear Billy,

I always wondered what I would call you if I had a grandpa. Grandpa Bill? PawPaw? I don't know. But I've always wanted to meet you. I imagine you would have told me all about Daddy when he was little. We would have so many things to talk about--you would teach me so much--things only a Grandpa can teach.

You'd tell me stories about hunting and all the family trips you took.You'd sit me on your lap at 5 years old and tell me about all the dangers of life. When I was 12 you'd tell me all the things you've seen--all the hardships you've experienced. Now, at 20, you'd impart to me the infinite wisdom of the universe and tell me that Daddy doesn't really know what he's talking about, but you do, because you're old and wise and have been through the mill. I'd laugh and say that my Daddy is smart and loving and compassionate and you'd smile and agree with me. Where do you think he gets it all, anyway?

They don't talk about you much, but I imagine you to be an amazing man, and I wish that I'd had the chance to meet you.

Love,

Ashley

Day 10-Someone You Don't Talk To As Much As You'd Like To

Dear Kam,

I know we're cousins, and we don't see each other very often, but every year at Christmas, I love hanging out with you more and more. I know you've got your license and you think you're hot shit, but you got a lot to learn, kiddo! I hope that you're smart. I know you're a good guy and I hope you'll grow up to be a responsible and loving man. I wish we could talk more, because I think we could actually be friends. I feel like I get to know you for two weeks and then you're gone from my life again. It's kinda sad. You're growing up so fast--I can't believe you're 17 already. I miss you and I can't wait to see you in December. I love you.

Love,

Ashley