Day 12

I'm thankful for the love of a beautiful puppy.

Freckles.

Day 11

11:11s and shooting stars.

I'm thankful for a sense of greatness somewhere in the vast expanse that is our universe. And I'm thankful that there is something out there to believe in. To wish on. To dream. Because I think that I'll always want something more from my life, from myself. And I think that it's okay to not be satisfied with life - to want more out of it, to demand it give you what you always want, and bargain with hard work and ambition and a little bit of luck.

Day 4 - Adventure

I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had to travel. To have adventures and to explore.

There are so many experiences yet to be had and sights to see and things to learn. Every day I am thankful that I started my exploring in Belgium 7 years ago. That trip gave me my first taste of wanderlust.
I am thankful that I had the opportunity to study abroad and have an amazing three months with my best friend and make wonderful new friends and meet Kathleen and travel anywhere my heart desired. I had crazy awesome adventures and saw some truly amazing things. And in my heart now there lies and insatiable desire to have another adventure. And soon. And I can finally make it happen.

Day 3 - These Things

Source: cualacin0.tumblr.com via Natalie on Pinterest

30 Days of Thanks Giving

30 Days of Thanks Giving. Giving Thanks.

To the Universe, to the late night decisions that turned into the best paths, to anything and everything that made me who I am and gave me things to be thankful for.

1. I LOVE my job. I love it. To me, there is nothing in the world more rewarding than the smiles of children who have just been captured by theatrical magic. They're grinning from ear to ear. Their jaws are dropped open at this thing that they've just experienced. They are using their imagination. They don't know exactly what they've seen, but it's awesome, it's cool, it's really neat and it just happened right in front of them!! For a while, they are in this magical world of theatre. Who knows if they'll remember it years from now. But they've seen it. They've embraced it, they've dived in, no questions asked, completely accepting that we are now in a magical forest where giant birds talk to you or near a quiet old farmhouse where gnomes really exist! Theatre for Young Audiences is more than my job. It's my passion and I'm so thankful to be able to do what I love.

2. My parents have always supported me, always loved me, and always encouraged me. When I said I wanted to do theatre for the rest of my life, they never said, "No, that's ridiculous." or "You'll never make enough money to support yourself." or "What about a real job?" They told me that whatever I wanted to do was fine and helped me get to where I wanted to be. They taught me right and wrong and respect and how to see the world. They taught me to trust people and to love everyone. They instilled values in me and I hope I've made them proud with my work and who I am. I love them to the moon and back and I miss them constantly and look forward to seeing whenever I can.

Okay.

Truth is,

You make me crazy.


There. I said it.

You drive me nuts. You are obnoxious and sometimes I can't stand you.
Sometimes your stupid grin drives me up a wall and sometimes when you ask me a question you already know the answer to, I want to scream.

And a lot of the time, I hate when you talk about work. But I love those moments too, cause your eyes light up and you get kinda lost in this thing that you love so much. You get this smile on your face and I don't even follow what you're talking about anymore-you've gone way over my head-but it's okay because I just like watching you get so passionate about it. A lot of the time, I like talking to you. And I like listening to you.

Truth is, I miss you when I'm not with you and that scares the hell out of me.
Truth is, you give me butterflies and I hate that sometimes you make me nervous.

There. I said it.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

629 days

1 year, 8 months, and 20 days

Not a day goes by that I don't miss this place. This city. This way of life.

How could a city have captured my heart so immensely, so completely, so intensely in such a short amount of time?

In 121 days, I fell wholly, crazily, madly in love with everything about Vienna.

121 days, and a lifetime of memories and experiences.

Until the next great adventure.

I Just Might

I just might be stronger than I know. Well I might really be surprised.

Dolly's words are hitting me hard tonight.

I just finished a letter to a dear friend. Well, what used to be a dear friend. Times change, people grow apart. We disagree and we fight and we let go of relationships that were so important to us at one point.

But the thing that can set apart a true friendship is how to build the bridge to reconnect.

We used to write letters. She was my Big Apple Pen Pal to my Viennese letters. She answered every one diligently and excitedly. I'll be the first to admit I'm jealous of her way with words--the way they seem to come from her so easily and so beautifully. But it's just one of the things I admired about her.

We had our disagreements. Our rough spots. I didn't support her as I should have a classmate. A comrade. A cohort, even, on a fun night. We put our differences in the spotlight. We made them the center of our connection and then the other things fell away. The way we both loved books. The way we loved writing and reading and Vienna and chocolate and Smirnoff and pretty fonts.

We lost all those connections when we began to focus on the disconnect that was happening.

And I'm letting go. Apologies and all. I'm putting the letter in the mail tomorrow before work, and my greatest hope is that it reaches her before she leaves her summer job and my courage to say I'm sorry is gone for another long while.

Just Haven't Met You Yet

I'd run away with you.

Maybe not to Paris...it's not quite all it's cracked up to be.

But maybe Venice. Milan. Verona. Tuscany. Athens.

I'd jump on a plane with you in a heartbeat.

You'd have the plans all taken care of. The hotels, the paths through the city, the museums, the works of art and ghost tours and strolls through the most beautiful countrysides. But there would be room for spontaneity, cause you know I hate planning.

It'd be a surprise when we left. You'd pick me up from work and we'd just go. You'd have my bags packed and we'd jump on the next flight. It would be exhilarating and fantastical.

You'd pick me tulips in Amsterdam and kiss me in a gondola in Venice. We'd watch the sun set in Athens and experience the magical history of Verona.

And it would be magical.

I wouldn't worry or stress.

I hate planning.

I'd run away with you.

See You When I See You

I didn't know when it would hit me. Because it certainly didn't during final portfolio.
It didn't when I was clearing out 4 years of belongings from the Production Office.
It didn't hit me at graduation or the final hours I spent packing up my apartment with my best friend.

The final hugs and goodbyes were rough. A few were tearful, some were welcome. Some were incredibly difficult and others were easier. There was always the uncertainty of when exactly the "later" in "see you later" would come to pass. Promises of visiting were made. The 6 hour drive seemed manageable.

But one way or the other, I said goodbye to everyone. A hug I didn't want to let go, a kiss I never wanted to stop, a final stop at our favorite restaurant, a last goodbye to the beautiful theatre space that I'd practically lived in for the last 4 years.

I had a moment of realization sitting with him on my couch, crying. Realizing that: Sentimentality is not regretting the times you won't have; it's wanting to re-live the times you did have.

It didn't hit me when I said goodbye to my soulmate/best friend/other half. We shared a quick hug in the middle of the lawn near our apartment. That goodbye didn't seem real.

It didn't hit me when I drove away from St. Louis, or when I got home to Texas.

No, it didn't hit me until Monday, when I sped around the familiar curve on Garden Ave. and drove through campus.

College is over. The best 4 years of my life so far are done.

I spent 4 amazing years with some amazing people and I'm not quite ready to let it go. But driving through campus the other day, an overwhelming wave of panic hit me. Real life. Bills, paychecks, monthly rent, groceries, and all this "grown up" stuff. I'm just not sure I'm ready for it.

See you when I see you.

Just Another Post

I've been hoping for some inspiration. I have so many thoughts and yet no profound way to write them down. So here they are--my thoughts. Just as they are. No fancy writing. No big words. Just me.

1. My clothes will never smell as good as they do when they come out of the dryer at home.

2. Staying in touch is hard work. It's so much easier to do when there is the certainty of another encounter that is in the works by outside forces. School starting, a summer job together, something like that. But with our lives suddenly going in all different directions, the uncertainty is overwhelming.

3. I'm done with the "what if"s. I could write a list a mile long of all the things I wish I had done when I was younger. No more. "What's the worst that could happen?" If I'm not willing to deal with the consequences, then I'll let it go. But if I am, then bring it on. Life has so much to offer at this point in my life. So many challenges and obstacles. Come at me, world.

4. I miss Vienna. Every day. All the time. Constantly. A turn of phrase or a sight or a song or a memory will cross my mind and I'm back. The cafe near St. Stephens. The English Bookstore. The U1 at Stephansplatz. The Opera. It's unreal how much I need to go back. Since I'm a real person now, it's all seeming more attainable. I will make it happen.

4.5 I'm afraid if I go, I'll never come back.

Kiss

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.

-Emil Ludwig

"A kiss seals two souls for a moment in time." 

-Levende Waters

That Moment When...

...you realize you actually have NO idea what's next in your life. When you imagine six months from where you are & you have no guarantee of a job or an inkling of where in the world you'll be.

...you look at your life, wonder how you got here, and wonder how you got so lucky.

...you find the one person in the world that makes you crazier than anyone else.

...you realize you are in charge of your life--you are the one making decisions. You're the boss.

...someone respects you.

...someone hates you.

...you are proud of who you are.

Luck of the Irish

Galway Girl--Steve Earle

Ireland has been on my mind lately.
It's partly the museum studies project that's looming, I'm sure. I've been Europe-sick going on two years.
But costume design has got my heart aching for old-world Ireland at the moment. My concept is 16th Century Celtic, and as I've researched through Scotland and Ireland, the memories of that incredible few days have been creeping up my mind.

Galway, the beautiful rain we encountered--the pub we ate at just to be warm for a little bit.
Temple Bar-the mecca of drinkers around the world.
The friendliness that Ireland has to offer--the joyous people that know where their country has come from, and what has been sacrificed for them to be where they are now.
The pure enjoyment and legitimate happiness you find in the people there.
And last, but not least, (cause who am I kidding if I leave this out?)--the accent. So beatiful, so crisp and clean, and melodic to listen to.
Guinness--cause it's just not the same here.
The scenery. The lakes, the hills, mountains, valleys. Rich in color and a sharp green, when you catch it in the right season. The morning fogs in the mountains are absolute magic.

Every Moment

There are 45 days left. Sorry...make that 44 since it's 3 in the morning.

45 days till they're gonna kick us out in to the real world. All 12 of us--and we've got our fingers crossed so damn hard that we've learned something worthwhile over the past 4 years: between school and summerstock and internships, maybe we've found something to hang on to that will help us live.

Every sleepless night. Every almost-unfinished project. Every rendering we wanted to rip to shreds. Every fundies project we bitched about. Every drafting, every sound file, every light demo. There have been shows and tech weeks and hell weeks and days where we would rather be in hell, cause it couldn't be much worse than where we were right then. There have been tears and fights and "WTFs" (lots of those) and "Can you believe x, y, & z?". Hugs, love, drugs, and alcohol. Rock and roll and show tunes and everything in between. For every shitty day there was one that made it all worth it. For every fucked up cue we called, there was a perfect button that made us smile like idiots. For every time we thought we'd ruined the show, there was a moment when we found out, 'yeah, it can get worse', and the precious few moments when we realized and remembered that this is school and...really, it's gonna be okay. For every great idea--for every sucky one. Every zoo trip, every road trip, every seemingly-endless summer. For every year away and long phone calls and facebook messages just to say "I miss you", "I love you", or "Please come home now". There were fall breaks and winter breaks and spring breaks. There were moments of pure happiness and things that broke our hearts. For each and every crazy party and the mornings after. Every hug. Every kiss. Every "Hey, can you come over". Every toast, every shot. For all the times when we realized we were never alone.

Every moment.


45 days will give us another beginning. Another chance.

Here's to you, the future of theatre.

Lest We Forget Why

May your work be compelling and original. May it be profound, touching, contemplative, and unique. May it help us to reflect on the question of what it means to be human, and may that reflection be blessed with heart, sincerity, candor, and grace. May you overcome adversity, censorship, poverty and nihilism, as many of you will most certainly be obliged to do. May you be blessed with the talent and rigor to teach us about the beating of the human heart in all its complexity, and the humility and curiosity to make it your life's work. And may the best of you - for it will only be the best of you, and even then only in the rarest and briefest moments - succeed in framing that most basic of questions, "how do we live?" Godspeed.

- John Malkovich

I'll Think of a Reason Later

A couple thoughts...

1. Knowing what you had and knowing the moment you lose it is worse than the proverbial "you don't know what you've got till it's gone."

2. I can learn to be happy in any situation if I try hard enough.

3. This whole "49 days till Graduation" is scaring the shit out of me. Pretending to be excited is hard, yo. I'm hoping I'll believe my excitement one day.

4. If a friendship is worth it, you'll give up almost anything.

5. This need to be in Europe is not a phase. I'm not going to grow out of it, it's not going to go away. I will make it happen. I'm nervous and anxious and I know people will tell me no...but I can and will make this happen for myself.

Thought Catalog--Your 20's

I will make this happen.

My dreams are crazy--they are not unattainable.

I will follow through on this.

I won't listen to the people who say I can't.

Why Being In Your 20s Is Awesome

MAR. 22, 2012 

By RYAN O'CONNELL

I know I talk crap on being a twentysomething but I’m only half-kidding. In actuality, there’s no age I’d rather be. (Besides maybe seven years old because they don’t do anything besides eat ice cream and poop themselves. That sounds like an ideal life to be completely honest.)

Being in your twenties is all about discovering which things hurt you and what makes you feel good. You go in blindly, practically pricking yourself with a dull blade, and then you walk out with tougher skin. One day you’ll stop pricking yourself altogether. Maybe. I don’t know. How would I? I’m just a twentysomething, remember?

This is what your twenties are for — to feel and see as much as you can, to take advantage of not being tied down to anything and anyone and to go balls to the wall with everything that you do. You’re a raw nerve. You hate getting upset over little things, about being constantly unraveled by ignored text messages, parents, grades, and friends, but you have to remember something: you don’t know yourself entirely yet. Before the age of 20, you were mostly under your parents care, a reflection of what was going on around you. You didn’t have the option to make your own choices. You were merely living the life someone set out for you.  Being in your twenties allows you to start carving out the life you want for yourself. Everything is on your terms now which seems daunting but is actually liberating. For the first time in your life you’re the boss.

It’s important to talk about why your twenties are great because it seems like we spend so much of our time wanting to be somewhere else other than where we are. Think about it. Why the hell are we in such a hurry to live some boring grown up adult life that we saw at a Crate & Barrel? Because once we do get there, we’re stuck for a long time. The novelty’s going to wear off, we’re going to get married and have babies, and everything will be amazing but don’t think for a second that you won’t be nostalgic for this time. Don’t think for a second that you’re not going to miss those nights you spent putting on your make up, changing five million times, drinking wine, smoking cigarettes out your apartment window, and going to some silly party, a party that feels like all the others you’ve been to but still has the right to feel special. You will miss all of this. This is a luxury. It’s going to leave us eventually so you better freaking enjoy it. You better enjoy every lame ass party, every awkward kiss, every 5 AM hangover, every drug experience, every crappy apartment, because one day it will all be gone and you’ll just be left with the pictures and the bruises and nothing else. Youth is fu**ing magic. Don’t you get it? Look at your skin! Touch it. Look at your smooth legs and stomach. Grab it. When you’re older, you’ll want all of this again so bad. You’ll possibly spend so much money to get some semblance of it back. Now it’s yours for free.

We’re not stuck. Even if it feels like we are, it’s not true. We’re the opposite of stuck. As twentysomethings, we’re constantly moving — apartments, relationship, cities, jobs. Anything is possible. People are ready for you. They want to hear what you have to say. They look at you and are curious about what words are going to come out of your mouth. You’re the new generation. What do you have to say? Don’t bite your tongue. One day you’ll be pushed aside for a younger “fresher” perspective so you better get it out now. Make a mark. Make a stain. Make something.

I want to remember the fear, I want to remember the promise, I want to remember the nights I wanted to curl up in a ball, I want to remember the people I’m not supposed to remember, I want to remember not knowing myself, I want to remember the moment I started to feel safe and like this life I’m leading is really mine. I’m going to be scared, I’m going to bruise my knees and not know how they got there, I’m going to try to fruitlessly forge a connection with someone who won’t ever get it, I’m going to lose the person that means the most to me and find my way back to them. I’m going to be a twentysomething because that’s what I am and all I know how to be.  And you should too. You should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are you’ll miss it before you even get to say “I’m 30.” 

I Believe

I believe in magic;

in wind blowing through smoke,

in grass growing around concrete,

in trees growing from garbage,

& life springing out of decay.

I believe in small miracles, 

 in phoenixes & pixies

in laying in the grass until

the sun comes up again

& counting stars all night

in swimming

in a lake, at night

till we cant feel our fingertips

I believe in talking to someone new everyday,

in coloring a dismal building

with cheerful words

& standing up for the silent

I believe we have to save ourselves,

yet you have & continue to help me

I believe in rocking the line between

loneliness & independence

& finding beauty in the breakdown

I believe in feeling hail, sunburn, & wind.

I believe that roses have their thorns,

& that's what makes them beautiful.

I believe that time waits for no man,

& no matter your circumstances,

the world keeps turning.

Emily Sexton 2010

Dream On...

Is that possible? Cause that's what I'm feeling right now.

Life & the pending future is overwhelming and I have all these grand ideas and hopes and things to do and adventures I want to have, but I think I might be dreaming too big.

Smile

Fine. I miss you.
Happy?

One Day

Personality vs Attitude

Rest in Reason & Move in Passion

Funny thing about the Timeline--you find things you forgot you put into cyberspace. I don't remember the context of me finding this quote: where I found it, how I happened upon it, or what it meant to me at the time. But I know that right now, what it means to me is exactly what it says. It's an inspiration for the new year.

There is reason. There is passion. And you need both to get you through. One without the other is useless--hopeless for guiding any life. They work together, one with the other to help judge your decisions, live your dreams, and love.

And the priestess spoke again and said: "Speak to us of Reason and Passion."

And he answered saying:
Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?
Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.
I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.
Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.
Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."
And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."
And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion. 

-Kahlil Gibran