In The End

Bend But Don't Break

I don't want to appear so naive as to say I thought things would be the same. But I guess somewhere, a small part of me hoped life would pick back up where it left off when I went away for that magical year. That year that exists somewhere in space--I know it happened, but it seems like a dream sometimes because it was so fantastical. I did things I'd never dreamed of and saw things I can't get out of my head. Vienna is constantly on my mind--a year later and it's no different that it was the third week I was back in the states. It's unexplainable and it's crazy, but unless you've been there--unless you've felt this connection, this bond, you can't understand that I left my heart in a city I lived in for only 3 months.
So I came back and I guess I was hoping to start where I left--with people...with life. But things change. Some for the better, I concede, but some for the worse. And it's the part of me that hoped relationships would be the same that was the stupid part. Because people change: we grow, we evolve, we learn. We see new things and it changes the way we look at life, the way we live, the things we do, the way we are. And I guess the fear now is the one of not reconnecting.
Essentially, the fear of change. Coupled with the fear of the unknown, the fear that "the path I've been working so hard to get on is the one that will take me furthest away from where I want to be".
Senior year is gonna rock so hard--but I have to get over this initial phase and accept that things have changed--and life is all about rolling with the punches and taking what you get. And that may take a little while, but I'll do it, and my senior year is going to be epic.

Postsecrets

both of these could have easily been mine.

Bold and Bright

She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this? 

I dream myself a thousand times around the world 

But I can't get out of this place". 

There's an emptiness inside her 

And she'll do anything to fill it in 

But all the colors mix together - to grey 

-Grey Street- 

Dear Vienna

Small Town Woes vs Big City Dreams

It's hard to be cooped up in this tiny town now that I know there is so much more out there. There are castles and battlegrounds and churches beautiful beyond comprehension. There are fabulous gowns in museums of note, there are items that changed the course of history sitting in a glass case somewhere. There is SO MUCH excitement and adventure, and I can't seem to reach any of it for the life of me.
I miss St. Louis. But I miss Vienna more. As I heard from a friend "My heart beats with the heartbeat of Wien". Almost a year after leaving for that incredible journey--of life, of friendship, growth, and exploration. I still think of it every day.
I can't wait to be out of Sullivan--The "tiny town" is okay for a while, but I need the comfort that comes from a big city--a bustling metropolis of lights and excitement and movement. For the immediate future, that's going to be St. Louis-for the distant future, I don't know--and people keep asking me the 'after graduation' question--but I just don't know. And it terrifies the hell out of me--not knowing. And I realize that my chosen profession is simply asking for a life of uncertainty, but it can still freak me out.
I need my friends back. The ones I haven't seen in a year. The ones that keep me sane and know me so well that I don't have to tell them "what's wrong" or "why" this, that, or the other. There are some really amazing people here in Sullivan--some I'm going to be very sad to part ways with, and some not at all, and some it doesn't really matter either way. So, excluding the people I'm going to miss having in my life--GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

To Say the Least

"I don't remember your laugh any more. To be perfectly honest, I don't remember your voice, either. And finally, I'm okay with it. I'm no longer looking forward to seeing you again, and I'm not really worried about if I do ever see you again. Thinking of you gives me significantly fewer butterflies, and I don't miss you anymore. We call this moving on, and I'm getting rather good at it."

St. Stephens

This towering beauty looms over its square with splendor and grace. History exudes from it's intricately tiled roof and, oh, if walls could talk! St. Stephan's Cathedral is among the most beautiful places in Vienna. Stephansplatz--the city center, was an almost daily sight when I lived just a few train stops away.



Stephansplatz and Stephanskirche in Vienna

Everything is seeming to crash on me at once. And constantly. Think waves. Not the lazy river kind, but the surfing kind. The ones that cap so magnificently and steal you away for those few moments when you're not sure if you're gonna breathe again any time soon.
Missing Vienna is hard. It's so incredible to talk about it with people who have been there--to share stories and reminisce about those surreal 3 months we spent in that beautiful place. I feel really lucky to be connected like that. But talking about it sometimes just makes me miss it more. Life was easy in Vienna. Life was nearly perfect, and it it wasn't always just that, a little slice of anna torte from Demels could have made it so. The thing about missing Vienna is even though I want to go back--I have to go back--I don't know when that's going to be. It could be right after college, it could be when I'm 74. The determination is there, so I know I will be back, but it's the waiting that's killing me. It's the fact that I can't spout off all the stops on the U1 anymore, and it's that the smell of Kebaps and Maronis are slowly fading from my senses. The pictures are beautiful and stories are wonderful reminders, but nothing is quite as real as it is when you emerge from underground at Stephansplatz with St. Stephens towering over you in the square.
I have loved theatre for a very long time. And I hope that my frustration with it passes as quickly as it came. I want to love my job again. I want to be on fire for the art form that is unlike any other. There is so much that I remember loving about theatre, and I want it back. And that's all I'm going to say about that, because I could write about it for hours and not say everything I'm thinking.
Other thoughts that don't need explanations:
-I can't wait for October.
-I'm excited for HP7pt2
-I miss my family
-Sometimes all you need is a new perspective, a little encouragement, a short pep talk, and some words of wisdom from a really amazing friend. Add all that together, and you've got to feel at least a little better.
-You may be the missing piece to a puzzle, but it isn't necessarily this one.

Checkpoint

For as long as I can remember, and especially within the last year or so, my life has been all about "checkpoints". A checkpoint is any time I look forward to that marks a new start, a major event, etc. Summer and start of school have always been checkpoints. There's also the small ones, like a Sunday day off, or a Friday paycheck. I live my life checkpoint to checkpoint, and sometimes it's frustrating to look back at a piece of my life and see that I've wished it away.

I check pointed to summer 2010. Then, although I had the time of my life, I couldn't wait to board that plane to Vienna. Those 4 months in Vienna were somewhat surreal, in that I honestly wasn't wishing for any specific time--I had a marvelous time just living. And it was wonderful and beautiful and serene to just exist in a country that had so much to offer. But December finally rolled around, and there I was (finally) boarding a plane that took me back to the US. Then it was January and time for an internship. I then checkpointed to this summer and now that we're two weeks in, all I want is be back at Webster.

So because I love this theatre, and I love the work they do, I'm going to enjoy this summer!! It's going to be amazing, I'm just waiting for things to get rolling--the part where I don't sleep a lot and drink way too much and am too busy to wish I wasn't. And as much as I want to be back at Webster, I'm going to start living where life has put me. You never know when you're going to be in the right place at the right time for something to happen. And you could wait your whole life for that something amazing to happen, or you could just love what is right in front of you.

Fine Line

"I guess you never know till you reach the top, if it was worth the uphill climb."

Of All the People

By the by, this is Interlaken, Switzerland.

At Long Last

Belvedere Palace, Vienna

For almost thirty years I repeatedly saw one and the same dream: I would arrive in Vienna at long last. I would feel really happy, for I was returning to my serene childhood.

 Alfred Schnittke

Graduation Goggles

“The point is you can’t trust graduation goggles. They are just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles and that’s just a bulky outdated cell phone in his front pocket goggles.” - Robin, HIMYM”

Captivated

Do you remember the last time you were captivated? It was the lights shining down on that stage, glowing through the haze with just the right amount of beauty. It was the way the lead singer in her curly wig and red lips held that note with the most amazing vibrato and filled the space around you with a sound so real you could touch it. It was the dancers virtually floating across the stage or it was the way the lyrics seemed to relate to only you. There you were, in that dark theatre, when nothing else but the world of the play existed--you didn't even check your program, you didn't even wonder what time it was, because it was midnight in 1931 Berlin or it was 1967 New York City and it was 1955 London.


—Verb
1.  to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant

And it's not just theatre that captivates me. It's the craned neck that starts to ache because you can't tear your eyes away from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. It's standing at the bottom of the Alps in Switzerland and it's watching the lights dance on the Grand Canal in Venice. For me, it's standing in front of the massive "Die Seelen Am Acheron" (The Souls of Acheron) at the Belvedere in Vienna.

—Synonyms 
1.  fascinate, bewitch, charm.

I'm enchanted by the love of friends and the unconditional support of family. I'm fascinated by a book that can take me somewhere else and make my world melt so easily into another. I am captivated by adventures and the future.

When was the last time you were truly captivated?

When was the last time everything truly fell away around you, until you and your subject were the only things you were aware of?
Be captivated. Be active. Seek out things that will hold your interest. Find something that makes your heart flutter for the sheer reason that it's never seen anything so magnificent.

Let yourself be captivated. It only takes a moment.

Quote

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”

Slow Down, You Crazy Child

When will you realize,

Vienna waits for you?

Karlskirche-Vienna, Austria

Life is not a destination. It's a journey. It's not a means to an end-why is everyone trying to get to the next "checkpoint" in their lives? Can't anyone slow down and see the beauty that is in this world for us? Don't just stop and smell the roses. Stop and talk to the people. See the beauty in the living and the inanimate. The buildings and the people who built them. The creativity that sparked in their minds as they thought up this wonderous thing you're seeing, staring at, in awe of. Life would be a little more wonderful, don't you think, if people would stop and take in the beauty that they pass by every day. Don't take life and all it has to offer for granted. Every scene you see is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so treat it as such because you're never going to see the same thing twice. Learn to love the uniqueness of each and every moment.

Winter Wonderland of Heldenplatz and the Rathaus

Magic

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?"

   John Lennon

Hodgepodge of Thoughts for a Rainy Day

1. Where are people going, at 1:30pm that makes them zip past me on the highway in such an all-fired hurry? Really, sir in the fancy red car with an iPhone to your ear, where ya goin?

2. One of the most magical sounds is a five year old child backstage after the show. "WOW!" he shouts as he sees the props lying on the table. He points excitedly at an actor "You are Pinocchio's daddy!". His eyes are wide and curious and his head is practically spinning around at all the things he's never seen.

3. "It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry." I also feel this way about gummy bears. Life would be so simple if we'd just let it be that way.

4. The realization of your expendability is rather sobering.

5. Rascal Flatt's new song "I Won't Let Go"

6. Finding new friends is thrilling.

7. Then followed that beautiful season... Summer....
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Summer 2011. Can't. Wait.

8. Good feeling: Writing run sheets in crayon. BFA-right here, folks.

Really good feeling: Running a show without the run sheet.

9. How can one person possibly miss so many people all at the same time? I feel like I'm going to explode.

      "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly convinced of each other's worth."

10. What a piece of work is man. How noble in reason. How infinite in faculties. In form and moving how express and admirable.

11. Lately, thing I want most in the world is just a good old fashioned game of Flippy.

Monday

Tomorrow is Monday.
The real world dreads Monday. The end of the weekend. The start of a new, potentially hellacious week of monotonous work.
Conveniently, I live in the fake world where Monday is a blessed reprieve from a job I don't hate. That's right folks:: Equity Day Off.

So for the first time in three weeks, I get a day off! No Pinocchio show or rehearsals to attend, and no Evita to run at night.
Mondays make me feel connected, though. There's something really wonderful about knowing that for a lot of my friends, tomorrow is their weekend too. New York, Chicago, St. Louis--wherever theatre is happening, Monday is (usually) the day of rest. The day to calm down and run all the errands you don't have time to do during the week. Catch up with the friends that despise the crazy schedule you live for.
It's a small thing...but it's a really cool thing to me...so bring it on Monday...I LOVE YOU!

"Shrinks in NYC must be really busy on Monday."
-a Stage Manager

Blank Stage

There's something ridiculously calming about a blank stage before the preset. I think there's something really premitively beautiful in a space without all the glitz and glamour and furniture. One of my favorite things, though I don't do it often, is sitting in a theatre before the show and taking in the stillness.
I enjoy this because I know what will take place here in just a few hours. The dancers will twirl out in their gorgeous dresses and take over the stage. The lead actress will command the attention of every patron and her antagonist will be a fierce presence on the stage. The furniture will engage in a game of tetris behind all the curtains, unbeknownst to the audience, who are enraptured by the latest song, the last monologue. So I sit sometimes, and enjoy the silence.
Then the sounds of the theatre begin. The spot ops arrive, loud and boisterous-just back from dinner and packed full of caffeine and energy. The sound guy arrives and mic packs are clicking and batteries are being tossed and replaced. The bustle begins, and I wish that I could sit here longer and just listen. I hear the other asm grab a broom and start sweeping. The costume racks roll in as the dressers begin their presets. I hear the clicking of the moving lights as the lighting designer begins his channel check. He's laying on the prop bed or rolling around the stage on a scooter, but he's good at what he does, so I give him that much.
Pretty soon the theatre is no longer that silent sanctuary and the stage is no longer blank. The actors start to warm up and the bustle only heightens. The show begins and that' s that. The stage is filled with glamorous lights and costumes and singing and the magic of theatre takes over. It's beautiful and thrilling and exhilarating.
But the blank stage is beautiful in it's own right, too.

Silver Linings

This is one of my very best friends in the whole world. I love her to the ends of the earth and back again. I have also recently dubbed her my "Silver Lining Best Friend". I can find several not so awesome things about life at the moment, but as per my emotional-based New Years Resolution, I am determined to find good things around me. I am at home for the semester, and among the good that I see regularly, (like having family close, for instance), seeing this beautiful lady is definitely a Silver Lining to whatever I'm not psyched about. I have seen her more times in the past month than I probably have in the last two years .

I think the best thing about a best friend is that feeling when you get together after so much time apart, and it.doesn't.matter. The same things are funny. You still laugh with each other and at the other's corny jokes. You've both grown, but your lives are so intricately intertwined by fate, it's impossible to not connect like no time has passed. You still watch the same types of shows and movies and you still do the same crazy, silly stuff. Just the other day was that JR High Band Concert. A week ago we were were taking the SATs. Last weekend, we started college. And in December, this smart, amazing lady is going to graduate college with a fancy major and a fun minor and the summer after that, she'll be headed to PT school to go get a super-smart degree and she's going to change the world.

I love you Silver Lining Best Friend.
<3

Lukewarm Tea

"It's better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to carefully avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. Responsibility means recognizing both pleasure and price, making a choice based on that recognition, and then living with that choice without concern."

"It sounds so 'either-or'. What about moderation?"

"Moderation? Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's reasonable deception. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation is lukewarm tea, the devil's own brew!"

             --The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, by Dan Millman

Of Songs and Merlin

1-I can't get over this song. It's beautiful and lovely and pretty much the whole thing is addicting. Its impossible to get tired of...I just keep it on repeat.
2-I can't get over the show. It's brilliant. If you haven't watched it, perhaps the following video will persuade you to do so immediately.

Blue Danube

If someone handed me a plane ticket to Vienna International Airport right now, I'd take it without a second thought, pack a bag in 10 minutes, and be off to DFW Airport. I'd land in Vienna several long hours later, but it would feel like a snap.

I'd take the Airport Bus straight down to Schwedenplatz--it's only about 6 Euros. I'd grab a 24 hr U-Bahn ticket and walk around Stephensplatz and Stadtpark. I'd go on the outskirts of the city and visit the Belvedere grounds and Schonbrunn Palace. I could walk around Schonbrunn for hours. And if the weather was nice, I'd sit on one of those benches overlooking that immaculately beautiful courtyard and read a book that inspired me to learn and explore. I'd sit by the Danube-maybe at the park near Webster- and admire the impossibly blue water. Late afternoon would find me back at Stephansplataz for some coffee-a melange, perhaps, or maybe just some hot chocolate. I'd get a kebap for old time's sake and spend my evening at the Opera-watching a world class performance that some people only dream of seeing.

It seems silly, but I miss Vienna more the further away it gets from me. I miss the easy going pace of Austria coupled with its stunning art, architecture, and history. I fear that soon it will seem like a dream-a distant memory--when it was so much more. I miss Vienna with a passion that I didn't even know I had. Don't get me wrong--I'm thoroughly enjoying being home-my family, my friends, my puppy. But I miss the adventure, the uncertainty, the new places to explore. I'm sure those exist here-they just don't seem as mystical as they do there. The excitement that was a new country every weekend is not a luxury I have here, and as special as it was, I don't want it to be a 'once-in-a-lifetime' type thing-I want to do it again! I want to keep going places and exploring. I feel like I only got a taste of Europe-and I need more. And with three of my classmates having their adventure this semester, it just makes me with I was back in that magical city. I'll get back to Vienna eventually, it's the fact that I don't know when that kills me.

So I'll settle for vicarious living for now until I have the $1300 for a plane ticket lying around...I will someday. =)

My favorite view in all Vienna--a fleeting image of the Danube as we raced by it on the U-Bahn between Kagran and Alte Donau.

A Year in Review (or) To New Possiblities

Welcome to 2011!!
2010 changed my life, and I'm ready to see what 2011 has in store. So-a reflection, a tribute, and a huge thank you to 2010 and everyone who was a part of my life and made last year such an epic 12 months.

Monthly Highlights:
-January: Opera Studio
-February: MWTA
-March: The All Nighter for no reason
-April: 4-Square and Truck Riding
-May: LTOTS
-June: Children's Theatre Shows
-July: [tr]Annie
-August: Hair
-September: Venice & Vienna
-October: Ireland & Vienna
-November: Rome & Vienna
-December: Christkindle Markets & Vienna & Home

Not So Awesome Things
-I'm sure these existed...but I'm on a new 'Don't dwell on those things that weren't awesome' kick.

Year in Objects
-Euros
-Suitcases
-Scripts
-Books
-Bottles & Cans
-Computers
-Tornadoes
-Decks of Cards
-Shotglasses
-German Classes
-Camera
-Music

Year in Actions
-Journaling
-Driving
-Talking
-Questioning
-Learning
-Listening

Firsts
-Living so far away on my own
-Living in Europe
-Travelling extensively
-Shotgunned Beer

Lessons Learned
-Life isn't as scary as it's made out to be
-Things work out
-Life would be easier if people would just be a little happier
-You'll never know until you try
-Mistakes are okay
-Worrying doesn't help anything
-Do all you can and then let it go

The Year in One Word: Adventure
From travelling Europe to calling my first show in a professional setting, adventure has been sprinkled all over 2010. And I love it! There is mystery and possibilities in adventure--you just have to take the leap and see where you land. And there's nothing wrong with not being satisfied with where you are and deciding to take another leap and hope you end up somewhere different. Little adventures like late night drives to big adventures like the mountains of Ireland have shown me how much the world has to offer is people would just look up from their workaholic lifestyles and appreciate the world that they've been given to work in! Take a risk.

To 2011
-I hope you're filled with risk and adventure and uncertainty. Leave out the worries and the fear and the feelings of inadequacy. You've got some big shoes to fill from last year, but I'm counting on a fierce year.
-Read 100 Books
-Consolidate my life into fewer boxes
-Find the proverbial "Silver Lining" in every situation