In The End

Bend But Don't Break

I don't want to appear so naive as to say I thought things would be the same. But I guess somewhere, a small part of me hoped life would pick back up where it left off when I went away for that magical year. That year that exists somewhere in space--I know it happened, but it seems like a dream sometimes because it was so fantastical. I did things I'd never dreamed of and saw things I can't get out of my head. Vienna is constantly on my mind--a year later and it's no different that it was the third week I was back in the states. It's unexplainable and it's crazy, but unless you've been there--unless you've felt this connection, this bond, you can't understand that I left my heart in a city I lived in for only 3 months.
So I came back and I guess I was hoping to start where I left--with people...with life. But things change. Some for the better, I concede, but some for the worse. And it's the part of me that hoped relationships would be the same that was the stupid part. Because people change: we grow, we evolve, we learn. We see new things and it changes the way we look at life, the way we live, the things we do, the way we are. And I guess the fear now is the one of not reconnecting.
Essentially, the fear of change. Coupled with the fear of the unknown, the fear that "the path I've been working so hard to get on is the one that will take me furthest away from where I want to be".
Senior year is gonna rock so hard--but I have to get over this initial phase and accept that things have changed--and life is all about rolling with the punches and taking what you get. And that may take a little while, but I'll do it, and my senior year is going to be epic.

Postsecrets

both of these could have easily been mine.

Bold and Bright

She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this? 

I dream myself a thousand times around the world 

But I can't get out of this place". 

There's an emptiness inside her 

And she'll do anything to fill it in 

But all the colors mix together - to grey 

-Grey Street- 

Dear Vienna

Small Town Woes vs Big City Dreams

It's hard to be cooped up in this tiny town now that I know there is so much more out there. There are castles and battlegrounds and churches beautiful beyond comprehension. There are fabulous gowns in museums of note, there are items that changed the course of history sitting in a glass case somewhere. There is SO MUCH excitement and adventure, and I can't seem to reach any of it for the life of me.
I miss St. Louis. But I miss Vienna more. As I heard from a friend "My heart beats with the heartbeat of Wien". Almost a year after leaving for that incredible journey--of life, of friendship, growth, and exploration. I still think of it every day.
I can't wait to be out of Sullivan--The "tiny town" is okay for a while, but I need the comfort that comes from a big city--a bustling metropolis of lights and excitement and movement. For the immediate future, that's going to be St. Louis-for the distant future, I don't know--and people keep asking me the 'after graduation' question--but I just don't know. And it terrifies the hell out of me--not knowing. And I realize that my chosen profession is simply asking for a life of uncertainty, but it can still freak me out.
I need my friends back. The ones I haven't seen in a year. The ones that keep me sane and know me so well that I don't have to tell them "what's wrong" or "why" this, that, or the other. There are some really amazing people here in Sullivan--some I'm going to be very sad to part ways with, and some not at all, and some it doesn't really matter either way. So, excluding the people I'm going to miss having in my life--GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

To Say the Least

"I don't remember your laugh any more. To be perfectly honest, I don't remember your voice, either. And finally, I'm okay with it. I'm no longer looking forward to seeing you again, and I'm not really worried about if I do ever see you again. Thinking of you gives me significantly fewer butterflies, and I don't miss you anymore. We call this moving on, and I'm getting rather good at it."

St. Stephens

This towering beauty looms over its square with splendor and grace. History exudes from it's intricately tiled roof and, oh, if walls could talk! St. Stephan's Cathedral is among the most beautiful places in Vienna. Stephansplatz--the city center, was an almost daily sight when I lived just a few train stops away.



Stephansplatz and Stephanskirche in Vienna

Everything is seeming to crash on me at once. And constantly. Think waves. Not the lazy river kind, but the surfing kind. The ones that cap so magnificently and steal you away for those few moments when you're not sure if you're gonna breathe again any time soon.
Missing Vienna is hard. It's so incredible to talk about it with people who have been there--to share stories and reminisce about those surreal 3 months we spent in that beautiful place. I feel really lucky to be connected like that. But talking about it sometimes just makes me miss it more. Life was easy in Vienna. Life was nearly perfect, and it it wasn't always just that, a little slice of anna torte from Demels could have made it so. The thing about missing Vienna is even though I want to go back--I have to go back--I don't know when that's going to be. It could be right after college, it could be when I'm 74. The determination is there, so I know I will be back, but it's the waiting that's killing me. It's the fact that I can't spout off all the stops on the U1 anymore, and it's that the smell of Kebaps and Maronis are slowly fading from my senses. The pictures are beautiful and stories are wonderful reminders, but nothing is quite as real as it is when you emerge from underground at Stephansplatz with St. Stephens towering over you in the square.
I have loved theatre for a very long time. And I hope that my frustration with it passes as quickly as it came. I want to love my job again. I want to be on fire for the art form that is unlike any other. There is so much that I remember loving about theatre, and I want it back. And that's all I'm going to say about that, because I could write about it for hours and not say everything I'm thinking.
Other thoughts that don't need explanations:
-I can't wait for October.
-I'm excited for HP7pt2
-I miss my family
-Sometimes all you need is a new perspective, a little encouragement, a short pep talk, and some words of wisdom from a really amazing friend. Add all that together, and you've got to feel at least a little better.
-You may be the missing piece to a puzzle, but it isn't necessarily this one.

Checkpoint

For as long as I can remember, and especially within the last year or so, my life has been all about "checkpoints". A checkpoint is any time I look forward to that marks a new start, a major event, etc. Summer and start of school have always been checkpoints. There's also the small ones, like a Sunday day off, or a Friday paycheck. I live my life checkpoint to checkpoint, and sometimes it's frustrating to look back at a piece of my life and see that I've wished it away.

I check pointed to summer 2010. Then, although I had the time of my life, I couldn't wait to board that plane to Vienna. Those 4 months in Vienna were somewhat surreal, in that I honestly wasn't wishing for any specific time--I had a marvelous time just living. And it was wonderful and beautiful and serene to just exist in a country that had so much to offer. But December finally rolled around, and there I was (finally) boarding a plane that took me back to the US. Then it was January and time for an internship. I then checkpointed to this summer and now that we're two weeks in, all I want is be back at Webster.

So because I love this theatre, and I love the work they do, I'm going to enjoy this summer!! It's going to be amazing, I'm just waiting for things to get rolling--the part where I don't sleep a lot and drink way too much and am too busy to wish I wasn't. And as much as I want to be back at Webster, I'm going to start living where life has put me. You never know when you're going to be in the right place at the right time for something to happen. And you could wait your whole life for that something amazing to happen, or you could just love what is right in front of you.